January 28, Thursday

It's time for me to stand up and say I'm better than this,  because I am. I'm tired of accepting things as they are and not leading my fight to what I want.

I don't want to live my life with two tubes hanging from my leg, so I am going to try my damnedest to get a kidney transplant. I AM afraid of the testing, more specifically the pap smear, but I gotta do it. I pray the strength of God is with me on that day, so I can be done and gone with it. I spoke to Judy today, the social worker at dialysis, and she contacted U of M, gave them a referal, so they can contact me and set things up. I'm ready to fight for myself.

I want this condo cleaned up, I DON'T want to live in a disgusting garbage can. That's sickening, and i deserve much much better. I deserve self-respect.

I know I'm down to almost nothing in the bank, I am basically alone, unemployed, and my health is falling apart at the seams. I also KNOW that I'm a fantastic person. No fantastic person should be living like this.

This is something I'll want to know, that while here I did fight for myself, I did charge out to fight for myself.

I want to fight for my legs now too, I want to be strong enough to walk without my walker. And I BELIEVE I can.

I'm going to start walking my garbage to the garbage can, I'm sick of garbage around, it smells in here. I'm tired of waiting for Carole to do so, it's my garbage, my waste, I can dump it and I need the excercise.

I'm not going to fight for Keith's attention anymore, that's major wasted energy. I'll send a postcard here and there, but he has passions and thoughts and a life of his own. I want to be the focus, the main attraction, the key character in mine. And, true, maybe that did take soooo much time to agree with, but better late than never.

I also believe God will have assorted surprises and gifts for me. He has happiness designed for me.

Maybe it seems like I'm now choosing these thoughts much too late in life, but I believe that they are thoughts that help form the character, and they become a part of you, and you bring it with you everywhere you go. You have to fight to prove it to yourself, to gain that gift, to have that gift, to utilize that gift. You have a mind, it's common sense. You have integrity, and you have to do the best because you're you. Nobody else can be a fabulous Melissa Cutlip, that's YOU. So you wake up in the morning and you ask yourself "How can I bring my best out today? What can I give? What should I do? Who should I help? Who can I help?"

Right now, you need to help yourself. You need to help Melissa Cutlip. Melissa needs her condo cleaned, she needs to strengthen her health, she needs her hair washed.

She needs prayers, and to conect with God and the Holy Spirit. God is felt through love, kindness, nature, joy, laughter, health, creativity.

This morning you had a cab driver who seemed to have a dark "presence" of sorts. I don't know why you thought that, but you did. The man was actually quite nice, drove through Tim Hortons for me, he was a nice guy. But I did have an uneasy feeling at first, which was uncalled for. You let it ride away, you got along. You can't abide by your first thought, you have to experience.

For dinner tonight I did get a HH pizza, junior size with just pineapple. It was good, one side of the crust was asiago cheese, the other was herb garlic.

Becky delivered it, she sounded sick though. I hope she feels better soon. I didn't tip her, usually don't tip anyone, I would slip her a couple hundred if I could to make up for that. She's use to no tip from me, yet she delivers with a smile and kind words. She's a young mother, her child is lucky to have her! I didn't ask for hot pepper seeds, like I usually do, but she brought me some anyhow. Sweet!

I'm lieing under this mess of a life I've created, but my soul stays strong. I want to set her free, be able to sing, smile, dance, be alive with spirit. She can do it, I can do it, we can do it.